1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,398
[theme music playing]
2
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:07,639
[coughing]
3
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[farts]
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,015
Ah, ah...
5
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:21,122
[groans]
6
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-[clicks tongue]
-[bone cracking]
7
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[sighs and groans]
8
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[scatting]
9
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,798
Morning, Pidge. Sleep well?
10
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,474
Jesus Christ.
11
00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:38,042
Mmm, I'm starving.
Should I make pancakes?
12
00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:40,211
Ooh, ooh,
like, Asian pancakes?
13
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,410
Oh, my God.
14
00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:45,113
Uh... [sighs]
15
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these [bleep] stairs.
16
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,010
Hey, don't you need
the soy sauce?
17
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,319
-Uh, no.
-You need the sesame oil?
18
00:00:51,351 --> 00:00:53,221
-No.
-Hoisin?
19
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:55,193
I bet you need
the hoisin.
20
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,062
No, Dad. No.
21
00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:58,960
Now, I don't like spicy things.
22
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:01,292
You're not gonna sneak one
of those Chinese red peppers
23
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:02,928
in there, are you?
24
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,263
Ah... [exclaiming]
25
00:01:05,298 --> 00:01:06,868
I hope you're hungry, Pigeon.
26
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,370
We're having Chinese food.
27
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,171
[groans] I need aspirin
or something,
28
00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:12,504
I feel like [bleep].
29
00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:14,539
Ugh, were you up drinking
all night?
30
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:17,044
I gotta take a piss.
[farts]
31
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,507
Oh, Pigeon, ugh...
32
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:21,075
That's a new low for him,
if he starts adding that
33
00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:22,354
to his little repertoire,
34
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:24,752
I think we'll have to
have a talk.
35
00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:27,394
What the... They taste
just like regular pancakes.
36
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,750
No, except these have
a fortune inside.
37
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,089
Ooh!
38
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-[Yung Hee] Okay.
-[coughing]
39
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I couldn't piss.
40
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Standing there with
my dick in my hand...
41
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nothing.
42
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,272
God, Pigeon, you really
look terrible.
43
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,470
Damn! I must've
ate my fortune.
44
00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:45,072
I'm gonna go
take a nap. [farting]
45
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-[all exclaiming]
-Oh, gross.
46
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,167
Maybe he is old,
47
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:50,679
I mean, I don't wanna
be indelicate,
48
00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:53,780
but what is the average
life span of a pigeon?
49
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:56,013
-[phone beeps]
-What is the average
life span of a pigeon?
50
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,879
[voice on phone] Here's
what I found on the Internet
51
00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:01,418
for what is the average
life span of a pigeon.
52
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,094
Three to five years.
53
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,163
Wait, how long
have we had Pigeon?
54
00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:06,662
Three to five years.
55
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:07,463
[both gasping]
56
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,394
-Oh, my God!
-Damn.
57
00:02:09,429 --> 00:02:11,459
Are you guys thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
58
00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:14,068
That Pigeon is about to die
of old age?
59
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,570
No, if we examine my stool,
60
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:17,442
I bet we can find that fortune.
61
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,640
Come on, team.
To the mystery bathroom.
62
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[farts]
63
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,740
Ugh, okay, I am rolling over
in my own grave.
64
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Oh, poor Pigeon.
65
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:27,205
Who's gonna be
the one to tell him?
66
00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:30,949
He did not take it well.
67
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,254
Then again, I'm not known
for my bedside manner.
68
00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:35,747
All right then, let me know
69
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,519
when he kicks it so I can move
my stuff in there.
70
00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:38,817
Not that I don't appreciate
you guys
71
00:02:38,858 --> 00:02:40,588
letting me stay
in the pigeon coop.
72
00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:42,957
I got a roof over my head
and a heart full of gratitude.
73
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,526
But I also got a lot
of pigeon shit
all over my clothes.
74
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:48,395
Well, no fortune.
But I did find this quarter.
75
00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:49,625
Who wants it?
76
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:50,539
Oh, me!
77
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:55,043
Yup, that's a real quarter.
78
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,175
Jackpot!
79
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,649
Come to say goodbye, have ya?
80
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,320
Oh, I'm sorry,
Pigeon... I, uh...
81
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,891
you know, uh...
well, you know...
82
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,220
you know, we're just,
we're all, um...
83
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,387
you know, we're just, oh...
84
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,893
very sorry.
85
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,398
Ah, I had a good run.
86
00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,230
Well, not really, I'm...
87
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,526
I'm full of regret.
88
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,027
Not one moment
of my life worked out
89
00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:23,498
the way I thought it would.
90
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,600
And now,
91
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,439
I guess,
here we are at the end.
92
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:30,144
What a waste.
93
00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:31,636
We gonna call those people now?
94
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,609
-Who?
-Hospice.
95
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,078
Everyone says
how kind they are.
96
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,647
Oh, Pigeon.
97
00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:41,115
You're not dying today.
[chuckles]
98
00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:42,394
I mean, I don't...
99
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,522
I don't know
and I don't think so.
100
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:46,517
I think this is an opportunity.
101
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,089
To live in the moment.
102
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,688
To seize the day.
103
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:51,959
To suck the marrow out of life.
104
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:54,568
To not waste a single second.
105
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:55,901
I'm gonna go watch some TV
106
00:03:55,935 --> 00:03:58,195
and just vegetate
in front of that box.
107
00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,738
Anything to kill time.
108
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,810
Hey, Pidge?
109
00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:04,041
What would you like
to do today?
110
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,207
Would you like to be
the one to pick the mystery?
111
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,677
Stop yelling at me,
you nitwit.
112
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:14,146
I'm dying,
have some GD respect.
113
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:16,787
No, what I guess
I need to do is...
114
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,094
go see my kid.
115
00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:20,285
Wait, w-what?
116
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:21,957
But, you...
you have a kid?
117
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,255
Are you deaf?
118
00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:26,327
Why don't you yell at her?
119
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:28,526
She's the one who can't hear.
120
00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:31,868
Yes, I have a kid,
that's why I said it.
121
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,565
You young people
on your screens all day,
122
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,367
you don't pay attention.
123
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:38,839
I mean, well, I'm not
on a screen, so...
124
00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,508
ADD.
125
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:44,517
Everybody's got ADD
these days.
126
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,851
You wanna know the cure
for ADD in my day?
127
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,287
A swift kick
in the dungarees.
128
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:54,733
Okay, I'm sorry, can we get
back to you having a child?
129
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:58,231
Well, it wouldn't hardly
be a child no more.
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00:04:58,264 --> 00:05:00,734
"Dear Richard... [reading]
131
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Warmly, Michelle."
132
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[coughing]
133
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,209
[sighs]
134
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,347
My God, so...
135
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:18,053
you've never met
your own child?
136
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:20,694
You don't even know
if you have a son
or a daughter?
137
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,920
Well, I guess
that's today's mystery.
138
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:25,688
[farts]
139
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,625
-Oh.
-Oh, gross.
140
00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:31,902
Michael. You're never going
to believe this.
141
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:34,431
Pigeon has a child
he's never met.
142
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:36,527
They're gonna be reunited
before he dies.
143
00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:37,799
Not that you're dying, Pigeon.
144
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,867
We don't know, I mean,
you're just old.
145
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,067
Okay, cool.
146
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:44,178
What? You're not coming?
147
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:45,380
Nah.
148
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,079
[groans with exasperation]
149
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:50,651
All right,
let's get out of here.
150
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:51,553
Wait up!
151
00:05:52,652 --> 00:05:55,622
This isn't a [bleep]
family outing,
152
00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,215
you little dipshit!
153
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,417
Drive!
154
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,556
[Pigeon] I guess
it's this one.
155
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:06,768
You stay here.
156
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,630
[door closes]
157
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:09,868
[knocking at door]
158
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,469
Michelle, it's me, Richard.
159
00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:18,013
Richard.
160
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,514
The man who got you pregnant
all those years ago.
161
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:20,576
You sent me a letter?
162
00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:22,853
Richard? What happened to you?
163
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,822
Oh, and you haven't
aged at all?
164
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,292
You're a pigeon.
165
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,250
Mom, I'm hungry.
166
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,419
Is this...
167
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:32,891
Give me a second, Jun.
168
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:36,356
"Jun"? You named him Jun, huh?
169
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,656
-Who are you?
-Your old man.
170
00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:40,425
Your dad.
171
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:41,767
Your pa.
172
00:06:43,102 --> 00:06:45,302
I know I haven't been
around much...
173
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,298
or ever.
174
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,169
And I regret that.
175
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,538
But I'm here now.
176
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,676
And I'm not going anywhere.
177
00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:53,241
At least until I die,
178
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:55,349
which could be any day.
179
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:56,651
So anyway what do you say?
180
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:58,483
You wanna throw
the old ball around?
181
00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:01,649
Mom, I said I'm hungry.
182
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,364
He has ADD.
183
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:07,632
[scoffs]
184
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:09,790
Well, if you need
anything, you know,
185
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:12,629
for his college or whatever,
well, I...
186
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:14,495
I don't have any money.
187
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,444
But, uh, you tell him,
188
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,600
stay in school,
189
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:21,138
uh, don't use drugs.
190
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,775
Uh...
191
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:26,981
If he ever thinks
about getting a tattoo,
192
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:28,613
well, you have him
draw on himself
193
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,048
with a sharpie and live
with that for a week
194
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,053
and see how much
he still wants a tattoo.
195
00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:34,215
I live with someone
who has one on his face
196
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,294
and trust me, he regrets it.
197
00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:38,492
But most of all... [sighs]
198
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,485
[voice falters]
Tell him I'm sorry.
199
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:42,457
Richard, wait.
200
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:44,125
When I wrote you that letter,
201
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:47,873
I thought I was pregnant
with only one child.
202
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,931
But when I went into labor,
203
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:54,409
we discovered I was pregnant
with twins.
204
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,410
It was a boy and girl.
205
00:07:56,442 --> 00:07:58,512
I was totally unprepared.
206
00:07:58,545 --> 00:07:59,735
There was no way
207
00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:02,649
I could take care
of both by myself.
208
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:07,492
Naturally, I gave up
the less attractive child.
209
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,720
But I still wanted
to give our daughter
210
00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,486
the best life possible.
211
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:14,464
A life filled with safety,
protection
212
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,764
and security.
213
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:19,125
So I left her
with heavyweight champion
214
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,565
of the world, Mike Tyson.
215
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,035
What?
216
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,070
[Dan Rather on TV]
Florida goes for Al Gore.
217
00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:28,665
I told you, Marquess.
Gore is gonna win.
218
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:30,008
Well, thank goodness.
219
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,443
Because you told anyone
that would listen
220
00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:34,148
that if Bush won the election,
221
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,510
you would get
a tattoo on your face.
222
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:37,579
[door bell ringing]
223
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,047
Ooh, that's our pizza.
224
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:42,851
Mike Tyson.
225
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:45,889
You don't know me,
but I know you.
226
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:48,825
I know you are strong
and noble.
227
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,261
You are a fighter.
228
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,566
And I want my daughter
to be like that, too.
229
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,370
Because she looks like a boy
230
00:08:55,401 --> 00:08:56,871
and they will make fun of her.
231
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:59,273
Dress her in pink, always.
232
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:01,105
[Dan Rather]
Stand by, stand by,
233
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:04,110
we are moving our earlier
declaration of Florida
234
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:06,813
back to
the "too close to call" column.
235
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,006
Uh-huh, yeah, pink.
236
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:11,418
So, will you take
my daughter, Yung Hee,
237
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:13,591
-and raise her,
as if she were your own?
-Hanging in the balance are 25
238
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,490
very big electoral votes...
239
00:09:15,521 --> 00:09:16,621
Um, yeah.
240
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:17,916
And if they go the other way,
241
00:09:17,957 --> 00:09:20,457
George W. Bush
the governor of Texas,
242
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:24,663
will become the 43rd president
of the United States.
243
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:27,902
Yung Hee...
244
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,031
is my daughter?
245
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,469
I don't care if you shove it
up your [bleep] asshole.
246
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,865
None of your [bleep] business,
that's where I was.
247
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,307
Jesus Christ,
you're a nosy [bleep] bitch.
248
00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:38,883
You're a lesbian, aren't you?
249
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,751
You little dipshit!
250
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,021
[Marquess exclaims excitedly]
251
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:47,422
Well, that must
have been something.
252
00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:50,223
I mean, I saw
a glimpse of him, your son.
253
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,986
Yep, I have a son.
Saw my son.
254
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,155
My only child. No other
children. Drive. Drive.
255
00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:00,801
So what happened?
Do you have a son?
256
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:01,933
Do you have a daughter?
257
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,666
-He has a son.
-Oh, congratulations, Pigeon!
258
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,106
Oh, I am famished.
259
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,771
Is there anything
to eat in this house?
260
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,339
I think there are some leftover
Chinese pancakes.
261
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:14,809
Hey, Yung.
262
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,608
Uh...
263
00:10:16,649 --> 00:10:18,549
There's something
I should tell you.
264
00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:20,624
Hey, Yung. I just wanna say
that those pancakes
265
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:21,893
you made were delicious.
266
00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:23,821
And I'm lucky
you're my daughter, too.
267
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:26,916
Aw, thanks, Dad.
268
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,629
So, uh,
what were you saying?
269
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,231
Huh? Nothing.
270
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:33,128
Uh...
271
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,796
Hey, you, uh...
272
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,644
you wanna throw
the old ball around?
273
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,140
Huh?
274
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:42,136
All right, fire
it down in here,
come on now.
275
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:43,935
-[laughing]
-There you go.
276
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,906
-This is fun.
-Good boy... girl!
277
00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:49,106
[both laughing]
278
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:52,580
There you go.
Throw it at me.
279
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:53,818
Go on.
280
00:10:53,853 --> 00:10:55,823
There you go,
good girl.
281
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:58,015
[theme music playing]